Is it just me or does anyone else’s life look completely different from what they imagined it would look like?
I recently turned 38 which means I’m only 2 years away from 40. That realization caused me to reflect on where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going. If you had told me years ago that I would be on the verge of 40 without ever being married or having kids, I would have told you that you were crazy. I had this vision of my life growing up: I would be married (maybe with kids, maybe not), I would have traveled the world, and I would now be working part time or volunteering while my husband worked part time. I would have never imagined that I would still be single, that my dad wouldn’t be here and that my mom would be experiencing health issues. Before you start feeling sorry for me or wondering if there’s a point to this, let’s talk about why I’m glad that most of what I pictured my life looking like didn’t happen that way.
Single Life: Growing up, I always imagined myself married before 30 and we would have traveled the world before settling down. Clearly, that hasn’t worked out like I thought. While there were times and seasons in my life where I wish that I had a partner to share the load with, I can honestly say that I’m not sure that I was ready for marriage or that it would have lasted for me then. My years of singleness taught me to rely on myself and allowed me to work on the person that I am. When I was younger, I was more focused on the physical attraction/looks and a superficial list of what the man had to be. In Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages, he talks about two types of love: In Love and Covenant Love. In Love is the obsessive stage of love where we don’t see faults and we romanticize the other person. Covenant Love is a conscious and intentional love that requires thought and action. I believe that if I had married young, the marriage would not have lasted past the In Love stage as I would have chosen a partner based on superficial qualities. The qualities that I look for in a man now are based more on his character than the superficial.
Work: Being single, I always worked because I had bills to pay and needed a roof over my head. I always had this idea that work was just a temporary thing so I didn’t need to love what I did as long as I didn’t completely hate what I did. Then I did a remote internship during the pandemic with Dressember, a non-profit dedicated to ending human trafficking. All at once, I realized that I wanted a job where I could make a difference in the world and truly love what I do. Now I can honestly say that I love my job! I started with BCT Partners a little over two years ago and it was one of the best decisions that I have made. I joined a company that is dedicated to making a difference and the leadership makes you feel valued & appreciated. I have been able to cultivate abilities that I didn’t know that I had and I am currently learning graphic design.
Life: It always saddens me when I meet people who just sit at home waiting for their partner to show up or their life to turn out how they wanted. One of the things that I’ve always said is that I never wanted to look back on my life and regret all the missed opportunities. Can you imagine all of the things that I would have missed out on if I waited for a partner or for my life to look like I had imagined? I made a vow a long time ago that I would enjoy my life. I had traveled with friends, I have tried new things and I’ve been a honorary aunt to my friends’ kids. How do we expect to meet someone if all we do is sit at home in our pajamas and watch TV?
Faith: It’s easy to blame God when things don’t turn out like we think. It’s easy to forget that we do not know what the future holds or what is in other people’s hearts. It’s also easy to praise God and trust in Him when life is easy. It’s in the hard times and the wilderness seasons (the wilderness season will have its own blog post) where our faith can deepen if we allow and lean into it. I’ve spent the last several months digging into Scripture and worship music more than ever. I’m not sure that would have happened if God had allowed me to have what I thought I wanted at certain points in my life.
Friendship: One of the best things about being single is that I’ve been able to cultivate friendships and walk through life with those friends. It’s very easy when you’re married or in a relationship to let that person become your whole world. Cultivating other friendships allow you to not place all of your energy into one person and can help strengthen your relationship. Let’s be honest, how can we miss people if we don’t get a break from them? Everyone needs a circle of friends who can speak truth into their lives and who share their interests. I have yet to meet someone who shares every single one of my interests. That’s why I have a variety of friends so I can cultivate different interests. Plus, if the people in my life were exactly like me, I’d never try anything new!
It’s so easy to get stuck in what we think we should have or what our life should look like. What I’ve found is that when we fully trust in God’s plan and open ourself up to the potential in front of us, life can be a beautiful and surprising thing. My advice to you is not to waste any moment of your life by focusing on what you don’t have. Embrace every opportunity and have fun! Travel as often as you can and explore what’s around you. I’ve been on missions trips, I’ve flown to Dallas, I’ve skydived and I’ve had too many other experiences to list here. Sure, there are parts of my life that I wish were different but I refuse to rob myself of living a full and wonderful life by pouting. I am glad that my life didn’t completely turn out like I thought because it’s becoming better than I would have dreamed for myself.
People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.
Eleanor Roosevelt