Is it just me or is dating as an adult more difficult than expected? When we were young, it was just having to deal with different personalities and whether or not someone liked you. Now that we’re adults, it’s not only personalities, but it also can be schedules, careers, kids, friends, families or any combination of the above. Add in baggage from past relationships and life in general and things get complicated fast. While I can’t make dating less complicated, I can give you some tips for handling the complications so you can enjoy the relationship. If you’re reading this and happily in a relationship, read this anyway because I guarantee you have at least one single friend. This will help you see what they go through and you can direct them to this post to read themselves.
Tip #1: Communication, communication, communication. I cannot stress this one enough as it is ESSENTIAL to any relationship. There needs to be an open line of communication from the beginning. I’m not talking about spilling your entire life story when you meet someone. I’m talking about being upfront about your needs and what you’re looking for in the relationship. For example, I absolutely adore kids and enjoy being an honorary aunt but I have zero desire to have kids of my own. I’m fine if the man I date has kids but I have no interest in having my own biological kids. I make that very clear when I start seeing someone, especially if they don’t have kids. Being upfront about the big things makes sure that you are on the same page from the beginning. If he wants kids and I don’t, by being upfront, we can go our separate ways to find the person who shares our values. In case you’re wondering, some of the big things are kids, faith, and marriage. I had a guy friend once say that he never wanted to get married again. I appreciated knowing that so we could stay just friends and I didn’t spend years thinking that maybe there was hope.
Tip #2: Make time and make room. It’s that age-old saying: If they wanted to see you and spend time with you, they would find the time. Now let me be clear, I’m not saying that they need to see you daily or even weekly, especially at the beginning and especially if they have kids. It might take longer than you’d like but they will actively try to find time or make room for you in their life. Maybe in the beginning, it’s more of phone communication as they try to find a new balance, especially when kids are involved. If you’re the one struggling to find a new balance, the best advice that I can give you is to see Tip #1. Most people will understand that you’re working through things as long as you communicate that. It’s okay to struggle but never okay to keep someone in the dark or guessing what you’re thinking. Be as honest as you can.
Tip #3: Kids ALWAYS come first. This is so important to keep in mind when dating someone with kids. Their kids will always come first and they should always come first. Depending on their age, they will be involved in extracurricular activities meaning that they might be tied up on weekends. You may have to make room yourself to see them during the week. In my opinion, I think it’s the best because you can catch up with friends on the weekend and date during the week. It really helps with balancing friends and dating. You don’t want to be that person who drops their friends when you start dating someone.
Tip #4: Take it slow and enjoy the journey. Chemistry is important but building a solid relationship is based on friendship which takes time. I can’t tell you how many guys I know that are attractive but who they are as a person makes them so much more attractive. There’s so much pressure to rush into a relationship that you can find yourself in a committed relationship without even knowing the person. It takes time for both of you to feel comfortable and safe enough to open up and show who you really are. I’m going to say something that might not be popular but it’s crucial: Texting daily, especially in the beginning, creates a false sense of intimacy as it’s easy to be on your best behavior and only share surface level stuff. The only person I talk to almost daily is my best friend and we’ve been friends for 12 years. We’ve built that trust and we spend time together in person. It’s okay to text and call sporadically but face-to-face is the best way to build a relationship.
Tip #5: Exclusivity must be talked about AND agreed upon. If you haven’t talked about exclusivity, then you aren’t exclusive or in a committed relationship. Dating is about meeting people and learning what you want and don’t want in a relationship. You are allowed to go a dates with different people. Too often we can miss opportunities because we aren’t on the same page as someone. Once you start feeling serious about someone, it’s time to have that talk and see if you’re on the same page or at least in the same book.
Adulting as an adult takes more work than those 90 Hallmark rom-coms lead you to believe. But with these tips and friends that keep you accountable (therapists are great too), you can more easily navigate adult dating. Now if only it was easy to meet them in the first place!
Love starts as a feeling, but to continue is a choice. And I find myself choosing you, more and more every day.
Justin Wetch