Is it just me or does Valentine’s Day get a bad rap? Stay with me on this as I heard the eye rolls from here. I know that Valentine’s Day is a highly commercialized holiday but I think it can provide an opportunity for us to take inventory of our lives and see how we are showing up in all of our relationships. There are lots of versions of love out there but for this conversation, I’m mainly going to focus on Eros, Philia, Storge, and Philautia.
First let’s talk about philautia, self-love. I’m willing to bet that you thought I would begin with romantic love but trust me, this one is more important. Simply put, healthy self-love means loving yourself, accepting yourself unconditionally. Now do you see why this is so important? How can we love others if we don’t love ourselves? I’m not talking about the narcissistic, putting yourself above everyone, self-love. I’m talking about knowing that you are worthy, that you matter and that the world needs you and your individuality. Can I be honest? Self-love is extremely hard for me as I am a perfectionist and very hard on myself. I struggle to see myself as anything other than my flaws, my weaknesses and my insecurities. When I get stuck in that mindset of not loving myself, I rob the world of my authentic self as do you.
So how do we practice healthy self-love? One of the biggest ways is through self-care. When we spend so much time pouring out, we need to take the time and space to fill ourselves back up. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. What if this Valentine’s Day we took some time to care for ourselves? What if we took at least an hour, turned the phone on Do Not Disturb and did something that makes us feel happy and loved? Maybe it’s something as simple as taking a bath, reading a book, or watching your favorite movie. Maybe it’s spending time with a close friend or asking those close to you to share the things they love about you. Whatever it is, unplug from everything and relax. I promise that everything else can wait.
Now let’s talk about philia (friendship or platonic love) and storge (familial love). To say it differently, relationships that you choose and the ones that chose you. These are some of the most important relationships in our lives as these are the people that we allow to see beneath our masks. These are the people who should know us so well that they can tell when something is wrong and they are not afraid to speak up when you’re headed down a wrong path. I’ll talk more about friendships in a future blog but for now, what can you do for them this Valentine’s Day? Do you know what’s going on in their lives? Do you have family or friends that you haven’t spoken to recently? Maybe this Valentine’s Day, send a text or make a phone call to let them know that you’re thinking of them. We spend so much time on our phones, scrolling mindlessly through social media that we have zero excuse for not checking on those we care about…..and I do not mean liking a post. I’m talking honest-to-goodness conversation and communication. We don’t always know what someone is going through so they may really need the encouragement or just to know that they matter to someone.
Finally, let’s talk about eros, or passionate, romantic love. If you’re single, don’t check out on me because I’m coming for you. Married people, I say this with all the love in the world, but if Valentine’s Day is the only day you are showing your significant other that they are loved and appreciated, that’s a problem. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do something special on Valentine’s Day, I’m saying that Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the only day they feel loved. I know that life is busy so it can be something as simple as listening when they talk about their day or saying I love you and I appreciate you. It really is the little things that matter. To my single friends, I know that Valentine’s Day can rough but don’t you dare settle for something less than you deserve because you’re lonely. Beware of the what’s up texts from past relationships that are better off left in the past. There’s a reason those relationships ended so to quote a Beatles song, “speaking words of wisdom, let it be.” I know it’s hard and trust me, we’ll talk about it in a future post, but you are worth so much more than a relationship status. Refer back to philautia if necessary.
Take the time this Valentine’s Day to show up for your loved ones and more importantly yourself. Also take the time to set intentions for the rest of the year for all of your relationships. May this be the year that we fully appreciate those already in our lives. Since it’s not just Valentine’s Day but also Black History month, I’ll end this post with a quote from the amazing Maya Angelou.
Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope.”
Maya Angelou